The crazy thing about being in school is that there are new people every day. Even the same people are new every day, when we wake up we have choices to make and things we do, the food we eat and air we breathe. Honestly, if I was the same student I was four years ago, I would probably still have a 4.0 GPA, I would know everything I am studying, and I would have better time management. But I would also have no fiends, no social life, I would not be involved in anything outside of school. Right now I find myself in a time and season that demands every part of my mind, my heart and emotions. I have never willingly placed myself in a place where I am pressed so hard, and I know from here it is only supposed to get worse.
What do you do when you fail 4 tests in a given week? When you fall for someone who doesn’t like you back? When no matter how hard you try you can’t maintain the same relationships you had a year ago? When your squad back home is living a different lifestyle than you and you can’t explain why you make the choices you do without offending anyone?
What about knowing that there is nothing you can do, without changing some core part of you?
What about the future? What of the past?
This poem is about rethinking my past, and learning how to trust myself again. There were times in my life that if I had trusted my gut, instead of my stupid and yet logical mind, I could have saved myself from some heartbreak. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe He will use everything for His glory, and to better us. Not everything is a trail, but we can learn a lesson from every test.
Think about it, if you knew what would happen wouldn’t it eat you up inside?
“If ignorance is bliss, knowledge must be torture”-INL
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you now,
The whisper inside of me that screamed “no you will ruin everything!”
The voice that pleaded with me to break his heart there and then for the sake of keeping him safe
That it wouldn’t last, I couldn’t fall fast,
That I could never say forever to my best friend
The moment I was furious at the boundaries crossed
When my fragile ideals were cast aside, and my innocence tested.
I fell head first into a kiddy pool of vocabulary, promises and whims
When you ran from an infatuation that was doomed to fade, while I dreamed about our future
When my gut kept me up at night
When the pain in my lower backside was not one of a natural kind
When admiring you for a year from afar disintegrated in less than an hour
And the similarities of father, and brother outweighed my initial, surface-level desires
When everything in me just wanted to see you again
To hear your voice in person, hear your laugh, be the reason why
When my past, longer than all the times of knowing before outweighed the glimmers in my future
When the whisper was finally a good one
And the pit in my stomach yelled “go, run,
Fall, trust me this time like you never have before
If you ever decide listen to me let it be now”
When the “I told you so’s were true, even before they came out of their closets
When everyone had an opinion after my heart was already broken
And offered solutions to a past I could not change
A mistake I could not stop my previous self from making
And those mistakes years ago were so obvious to the me in this now
I know I messed up, and I know I don’t need you saying you knew
Because I know I knew what I knew, and even then
I knew what I was doing, when I made a decision, when I didn’t listen
I know I messed up, I didn’t listen, made mistakes
But I know I don’t need anyone telling me I didn’t know what I already knew.
Not even myself
I knew when I put my heart in danger
I knew when I felt it bleeding out inside of me that I should have listened
I knew I still wouldn’t listen
I knew my head would win out again and again
and get me in trouble
But after all of this I know
I know that no one knows me better than the one above me and inside of me
I know that no matter what choice my mortal mind makes,
The mistakes, the thoughts, the feelings, the lessons
must be good, In the end